Bram Stoker’s The Legend of The Mummy is a 90s ‘horror’ – inverted commas necessary – film based on Stoker’s novel The Jewel of the Seven Stars, the same story that Hammer’s Blood From The Mummy’s Tomb is based on. Suffice to say, you should probably watch the Hammer version and save yourself an hour and a half’s worth of boredom.

The story starts in Egypt where a would-be tomb-robber finds a precious jewel in the tomb of Queen Tera; he then meets his death by way of a curse (I assume) after developing what seems to be a very, very localised outbreak of the black plague. Cut to modern day California, and an old professor talking to himself while piecing together an Egyptian relic and reading an old incantation. He then gets attacked after finding a piece of sandy bandage.

The next day we are introduced to his daughter, her ex, the doctor and the detective. If this film is anything to go by, it would seem that most if not all of the people in positions of power in 90s California had strong English accents. None of the characters are particularly engaging, but very quickly you will begin to hate the detective who insists on mentioning at every chance that he ‘misses those days he spent at the ‘yard’’. At least there’s Louis Gossett Jr’s character, Corbeck, who ends up being the only thing that kept me watching. Corbeck is funny, charismatic and crazy and I really enjoyed him when he was on screen.

Bad character clichés aside, this film might have seemed better if marketed and packaged as a murder mystery story with a mummy thrown into the mix instead of a horror movie about a mummy, especially since it only makes an appearance precisely once in the whole film. There are many scenes that make no sense just crowbarred into the story, seemingly just for the purpose of trying to reach the 18 rating: lots of random, unexplained flashbacks and blood-drenched sex sessions which, to be honest, were tame and confusing.

By the climax of the story the audience will simply just not care: there’s a lot of killing and a lot of screaming, but nothing really happens. After that we see the mummy with a semi-restored hand and a perfect manicure. It says a lot about the quality of the film (or lack thereof) that by this point I wasn’t even that surprised at the less-than-authentic-looking hand, since I’d just given up hoping that any semblance of a good movie would emerge.

Oh and if you recognise the main actress (Amy Locane), she was the square from Cry Baby, in which she was much better. In fact, avoid this film and watch Cry Baby instead. That’s my advice.

First song ‘Teenage Nosferatu Pussy‘ is a straight up pounding intro track, treading familiar ground with the combined pulse of the guitar & drums beckoning you to chant along with the mad ringmaster. I can easily see this becoming a show opener with the crowd marching along like an army of demented followers. Oh, and that organ does add a certain something.

Next up is the first single from the album, ‘Dead Radio & The New Gods Of Supertown‘, a stomping pop-metal romp through the brain of Zombie, casting himself as the conductor of the reanimated corpse of radio. As a fan of RZ’s music I’ve got to say that I loved the rhythm of this track and instantly wanted to listen again. It definitely sounds different but also somewhat the same. The next track could have come straight from ‘The Sinister Urge’ with a thick wall of guitar riffery and loud brash drums, topped with Zombies old-school twang, I loved it. If you are a fan who yearns for a throwback to the dirtier, punkier days of White Zombie’s ‘Revolution Revelation‘ is it. Next is the now customary instrumental interlude.

Then we get to possibly the most interestingly titled track on the record, ‘Ging Gang Gong De Do Gong De Laga Raga‘, the cheerleading cry of Peter Pan Pentagram! A bombastic tune interspersed with movie quotes and eerie sound effects. ‘Rock And Roll (In A Black Hole)‘ then slows things down for the first time since the start of the album, but this is slowed down in a purely Zombie way. The song erupting with its chorus of ‘We’re all dancing in a black hole, when all we wanna do is rock and roll‘ is another chant for the mutated masses.

Track 7, ‘Behold, Pretty Filthy Creatures‘ possesses an awesome organ solo that everyone should love and a chorus that may contain a little bit of social commentary if you look into it far enough. Next we have a call to arms for ‘White Trash Freaks‘ everywhere. Oh, and don’t forget to bring your boogaloo dolls, just listen and it will make sense, maybe.

Onto the next song and we get to retain some sanity with a straight forward Zombified cover of Grand Funk Railroad‘s ‘We’re An American Band‘. After that forked road back to the village we find ourselves back in the familiar cannibal-infested woods of Rob Zombie’s world with a song dedicated to the dark lords rising. ‘Lucifer Rising‘ is a perfect display of a band who know exactly how they want to sound and have a damn good time doing it.

As we start to get to the close of the album we are greeted by one of the best tracks in my opinion and a strong contender for the next video, ‘The Girl Who Loved The Monsters‘, a story about a girl who wishes to be one of creatures she loves. Now we reach the final track ‘Trade In Your Guns For A Coffin‘. Sounds like an acoustic western song? Haha, Hell no! Rob Zombie puts in what could be one of his punkier songs of recent times, with a fast delivery and the familiar twang of John 5′s guitar, this is no album closer, this is a warning that Zombie is enjoying his music more than ever and he shows no intention of slowing down. Haters gonna hate, but myself? I enjoyed this album and I’m sure with a few beers I’d only enjoy it more.